The way things are going lately,  I often find myself asking: Is happiness just an imaginary place?
I feel like I watch tv and just long to live the lives of these fictional characters.  And then I get to thinking about the lives of the actual actresses.  And then on and on and on until all I can think about is how I'm really not living my life at all.  I just go through my monotomous schedule day by day hoping for something new to come along.  Waiting for excitement.  A feeling.  Discovery.  But nothing ever comes.  Danielle reminded me of this the other day as we were passing notes in history. (She dramatically ripped the note about ten times and threw it in the garbage but here's the jist)

D: you should totally go for Mike McKenna.
R: haha WHY? random. 
D: idk-- he's cute in a weird way and matt is in love with him.
R: ohhh so I see this is all just a ploy to get matt hmm?
D: yes. but i don't know who he'd be more jealous of-- you or him.
R: haha yeah idk... i don't think it will work.
D: well it has to be better than the plan you have now - sitting around. and doing nothing.

And she's so right.  I just wait.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe I don't have the confidence.  Maybe I'm afraid to fail.  Or maybe I really just don't want anything that much.  But I know I do want excitement or a change or SOMETHING to scream about.  So maybe reaching for things that I'm not exactly dying for is what I need to do.  After all, you can't get beat if you never play the game.  Or something like that...

So maybe on a day when my hair looks nice... and my outfit is cute... and I don't feel obese... and my lips are unchapped.. MAYBE just maybe then, I'll go for it.  Try it out.  What's the worst that could happen?  He turns me down.  I walk away.  And probably cry hysterically and hate myself for days.

...what to do what to do