The way things are going lately,  I often find myself asking: Is happiness just an imaginary place?
I feel like I watch tv and just long to live the lives of these fictional characters.  And then I get to thinking about the lives of the actual actresses.  And then on and on and on until all I can think about is how I'm really not living my life at all.  I just go through my monotomous schedule day by day hoping for something new to come along.  Waiting for excitement.  A feeling.  Discovery.  But nothing ever comes.  Danielle reminded me of this the other day as we were passing notes in history. (She dramatically ripped the note about ten times and threw it in the garbage but here's the jist)

D: you should totally go for Mike McKenna.
R: haha WHY? random. 
D: idk-- he's cute in a weird way and matt is in love with him.
R: ohhh so I see this is all just a ploy to get matt hmm?
D: yes. but i don't know who he'd be more jealous of-- you or him.
R: haha yeah idk... i don't think it will work.
D: well it has to be better than the plan you have now - sitting around. and doing nothing.

And she's so right.  I just wait.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe I don't have the confidence.  Maybe I'm afraid to fail.  Or maybe I really just don't want anything that much.  But I know I do want excitement or a change or SOMETHING to scream about.  So maybe reaching for things that I'm not exactly dying for is what I need to do.  After all, you can't get beat if you never play the game.  Or something like that...

So maybe on a day when my hair looks nice... and my outfit is cute... and I don't feel obese... and my lips are unchapped.. MAYBE just maybe then, I'll go for it.  Try it out.  What's the worst that could happen?  He turns me down.  I walk away.  And probably cry hysterically and hate myself for days.

...what to do what to do

Total playtime: 6.9 days
Total discspace: 11.34

Sort by song title:
- First Song: (Nothing But Flowers) - Guster
- Last Song: Your Touch- The Black Keys

Sort by length:
- Shortest Song: Keith B-Real II (Interlude- Will Smith
 - Longest Song: Eskimo- Damien Rice

Sort by album:
- First Song: A Walk Through Hell- Say Anything
- Last Song: World Spins Madly On- The Weepies

First five songs that come up on Shuffle:
01. I Hate Camera- The Bird and The Bee
02. Stay Home- American Football
03. So Says I- The Shins
04. She Smiled Sweetly- The Rolling Stones
05. A Plain Morning- Dashboard Confessional

Top 10 Most Played Songs:
01. Honest Mistake- The Bravery
02. Natural's Not In It- Gang of Four
03. I Was A Kaleidoscope- Death Cab For Cutie
04. The Way We Get By- Spoon
05. The Sound of Settling- Death Cab for Cutite
06. My Love (ft. TI) - Justin Timberlake
07. Never Meant- American Football
08. Sexy Boy- Air
09. You're So Damn Hot- Ok Go
10. Swollen Summer- The Bravery

"sex", how many songs come up?: 17
"love", how many songs come up?: 112
"death", how many songs come up?: 50
"hate", how many songs come up?: 20
"wish", how many songs come up?: 3
"want", how many songs come up?: 36
"need", how many songs come up?: 20

It's 12:30 and since I'm FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY forcing myself to get up tomorrow, go for a run, go shopping and maybe DO something and get out of this rut, I need sleep.

Hopefully a real entry to come that doesn't suck and isn't just bland thoughts instead of a quirky enjoyable piece of writing.

I only have a few minutes until I get picked up to babysit so here's a quick summary of the past week or so that I neglected to update.

Football game - Ended up having a really good time.  Hung out with Britt, Nicole, and Brian Harte a lot.  Developed a teensey crush on him. (I haven't seen or spoken to him since so obviously nothing will come of it.)

School-  Did work.   Doing not so great in English.  Might actually have to try for once.

Visisted Jenna- This deserves its own update and will get one when I have enough time.

Homecoming (last night). - uhhh yeah... Had people over my house that was fun ate Dominoes got my hair stroked.  Then went to homecoming. So, you know that part in Grease where dear ol' Sand-ra-dee sees Danny Zuko for the first time at the bon-fire pep-ralley deal? And her friends drage her over there? And he's a total jackass? Picture that. In uglier clothes. With fewer words said.  And there's my homecoming encounter with Matt.

Anyway time to go babysit. More to come.  Stay tuned. This entry was Yoda like only not backwards.  So I guess it wasnt Yoda-Like at all.

Love, Rachel.

Today was a pretty good day.  I'm starting to feel better and honestly, facebook messages from Lifeworks friends and camp friends and just the idea of visiting Jenna this weekend has all cheered me up.  I have no clue if this is why she does it, but every time Jenna tells me about her friends at school who want to quote get with me unquote, it totally boosts my self-confidence.                               (That's a total Megan McCafferty line right there ^) <------ Which reminds me of how reading has also been making me feel a little better.  After buying the 4th JDarling book I was inspired to go to the library and take out the prequels.  Rereading Sloppy Firsts and Charmed Thirds was such a pick-me-up for some reason.  Just the main character and the way that she seems to be utterly alone and depressed too, yet she gets through it , makes me feel better.  And that's ridiculously corny but it's true.  

Anyway today got back some grades, all good; so far so I'm crossing my fingers.  I really want to get good grades and get into a school that I like.  I'm suddenly IN LOVE with New England and autumn all the things that come with it.  I have this perfect image of me as a college student: 
Dressed in a cashmere JCrew sweater, skinny jeans, quilted flats, and a tweed coat paired with gloves and a scarf,  I'm lounging under a tree with a few friends on the DELICIOUSLY green lawn of my college campus sipping cafe mochas from the ultra-classy dining hall, discussing a writing assignment for our Lit class, and watching some AH-DORABLE sophmore boys tossing a football, their cheeks stained red from the cold and the exercise....

If I were Jessica Darling that would be where the X-rated fantasy starts, but since I've been cursed with a negative sex drive, my dream scenario pretty much ends there.

So today was school blah blah boring. My Spanish teacher, who I've decided is obviously a whack job, decided to try to win me back since our bathroom dibocle last week. (I got my period. I asked to go to the bathroom.  I gave her the eyes.  Yet she still wouldn't let me go.  This, in the world of girl-code, is UNFORGIVEABLE.)  So after a period of expertly avoiding muchos eligos on my hair and countless efforts to be buddy-buddy, I headed for physics.

What once was a promised land of pheremones and phone numbers is now just... graphing. Everyday. All period. All the time.  The only upside is hanging out with Brittney Nichols, a girl I'm acquainted with from track two years ago but never really got to know since she was a fairly popular sophmore and I, just another lowly freshman with good times and a lazy attitude.  Anyway, Britt is really cool and genuinely sweet, unlike a CERTAIN group of people I've spent waaaay too much time with in the past three years.  During gym we had a lovely discussion about the gyno (I know, you're thinking, "WHAT could ever be lovely about the gyno?" But Britt is just that sweet.) and then hung out some more in physics, where Kevin continued to try and impress me all period and then ever-so-stealthily slipped in that him and his girlfriend broke up.  Kevin's girlfriend, formerly referred to by me and a fair amount of the student population as "The Wall", is just one of those nothing-girls in my grade.  Blonde, cheerleader, dumb, and fat in an awkward flat-but-wide way (hence; her nickname.)

After school I walked home with an assload of books, put my hair up, ate exactly one Mallomar, and then my mom drove me back to school for drivers ed.  I met up with Natalia and Allison, two girls I'm not exactly in love with, but they're nice and aren't named Ally, Danielle, Kim, or Ashley.  Now let me put this out there: 
I. Can. Not. Drive.
I've gone driving approximately four times, three of which were in a parking lot, two of which I hit the curb, all of which I ABSOFUCKINLUTELY sucked.  After plotting ways to get out of driving with Allison and Natalia (fake a foot injury, steal someones flip flops, claim I got my permit yesterday) we settled on the ol' fashioned truth.  I mean, if I'm completely uncomfortable with driving there's no way they'd FORCE me into the driver's seat right? Wrong. Silly little me.  The conversation went something like this:

Drivers Ed Man: So, have you all driven before?
Me: A little bit but not enough.  I'm still really not comfortable driving... *stares awkwardly at ground*
Drivers Ed Man: You only get better with practice.  How many times have you gone out?
Me: Fourish? But... I'm still really not comfortable driving. *continues to stare awkwardly*
Drivers Ed Man: Well you'll drive today.  I have a brake on my side-- we'll all make it out okay.
Me: Har-dee-har-har.  I guess... but I'm still REALLY NOT COMFORTABLE DRIVING. (I'm now wondering WHY he hasn't taken the hint.)
Drivers Ed Man: Then it's settled- you'll be the first one to drive today. Lez go!

This is where I find myself in shock, not completely because I'm being forced in this terrible driving situation, but rather, because of the next voice to pipe in.

Sam Menis: RACHEL is driving!? BUT ... she can't even RIDE a BIKE!!!!!!!
And then he actually tossed his head back and shrieked with laughter.  Mind you, Sam is a pint-sized (yes oh-so-adorable) morsal of a guy, but still-- the girlish shriek was unexpected.

So after defending myself by reminding Sam that not only is this the first time he's spoken to me all year, but that he had to do it by bring up my bike-riding weakness, I reluctantly took my place in the drivers seat and prayed that the airbags were functional.

Twenty minutes later and ALAS, we were still alive! Not only did I manage not to kill us, but in the rather twisty-turny ride to Kings Park Psychiatric Center I only hit the curb TWICE and managed not to hit any of the crazies.  On a scale of 1-10 (10 being dejection from vehicle) Natalia rated my driving a six. A SIX!!! I've never been prouder.  After two shifts of smooth driving by Allison and Natalia, who unlike me, have parents who are willing to risk their lives for the sake of their daugter's own mobility, Stunt-Man Mike stepped up to the plate.  Why do I call him Stunt-Man Mike, you ask?  You see, he is neither a stuntman, nor is he named Mike.  I call him this because he reminds me of the feelings I would have if I were in Quentin Tarantino's latest grindhouse-flick being murdered by way of a man's death proof car- which he proves is only death-proof for those in the driver's seat.  CHYEAH. It was that bad.

I did not die however. Today. There is always next week of course.

Funny isn't it, how my days often end with a thought like the one above?  Anyhoo, now I must be going to do homework.  And pick out my outfit for tomorrow.  And clean my room.  Which seems to be an ongoing project, but I swear, one day I shall finish it.

And hopefully that day will come before I die in a tragic accident due to the  malfunction of a passenger-seat emergency break.

The weekend has passed and so have all those shitty ass feelings.  I spent the past few days feeling immeasurably awful, thanks to some fabulously imbalanced hormones.  And this feeling was only amplified by the fact that I no longer have any friends who care.  I could actually waste away and no one would even notice.  I didn't actually do anything to deserve this, and I'm realizing that my old friends aren't even people I would want to associate with anymore, but still-- the realization fucking hurts.  I'm still in this hangover-ish state from being depressed.  The symptoms are as follows:

I'm restless to the point where I stay awake until 2 in the morning, only to toss and turn all night.  

I have literally no appetite, which doesn't bother me too much since I'd love to shed some, but I'm thinking that living on bottles of Poland Spring and the occasional mallomar isn't exactly healthy. 

My brain doesn't feel like functioning. Not very convinient considering I have a ridiculous amount of homework in physics and US this weekend.  All of which I saved until the last minute.

Basically, I need to get my shit together.  I want to be happy this year, seriously, I do.  Or at least be able to do well enough in school so that I can get into a good college and be happy there.  I'm beginning to accept that I'm one of those people who doesn't like highschool.  And maybe that's not such a bad thing.  Why would I want the best years of my life to be spent at Friday night "hang outs" playing frisbee and being felt up by guys I'm not even attracted to? (And yes, that was a total jab at Dutrash, my not-so classy ex group of friends.)

So now I'm going to get the fuck up, clean my room, clean out my closet, get some homework done, and be happy damn it. Or at least be a somewhat functioning member of society. Whichever comes first.

It's been what-- two weeks? since my last update. Ooops... Well anyway, school started and junior year is already as impossible as I've heard it is.  I'm pretty happy with the people in most of my classes, even though I have most of the lesser teachers and first period ceramics (wtf?!).  Physics is not the testosterone-ridden outlet I had hoped it would be; actually.. the majority of the seniors in my class are ridiculously weird.  Thank god for Kevin Brosnan though.  All the years of anti-semetic torment have paid off now that he's grown up.  I sit with him, Britt who was on track two years ago, and two other kids.  Britt and the other boy are trying to switch out but hopefull they'll end up staying cause Gromatsky is BORING as all hell.  Or maybe it's just physics itself...

Anyway I'm officially officially done with trying to hang out with that group ever.  I'll hang out with Danielle alone.  I'll hang out with Tyler when they're not around.  But other than that, I really think I need to find a new group of friends or find some other way to keep myself busy.

On another note my mom is FINALLY doing something about my PMD and hopefully by next time I'll have some high qual drugs in my posession.  For now though,  I feel that weird uneasiness and paranoia that I know isn't actually caused by anything.  Or atleast, I have to hope isn't caused by anything.  I really really need to be happy this year, so hopefully once I get this problem taken care of everything else will be able to fall into place.   I feel like I have so many good things going for me but I'm just like.. blinded by these moods, so I can't see it. 

In honor of trying to be happy and LIVE this year, my first project is going to be writing an essay and submitting it to Teen Vogue.  I have about a month to do it so it shouldn't be too hard, and it would be insanely amazing if something came out of it.  It's supposed to be about making a difference in the world with some kind of cause, so I'm planning on writing about the Lifeworks trip this summer.  Fingers crossed that it comes out good  ! 

TONIGHT : 
After spending all day hanging around, filling out my TEENvogue fashion U application, and not going to soccer :) , went to see Superbad with Jenna. SUCH a good movie and I always love seeing R movies with her because for some reason they only card Jenna and always assume I'm older.  AWESOME.  Surprisingly didn't run into anyone I know, unless you count Megan Wallner who I really only know about because her hot boyfriend tells me her life story, --- but that's what I'd expect on a Thursday night.  Then ride home was fun, blasting music, singing and dancing.  I love those moments, they really are infinite, like I never want them to end.

Tomorrow morning = interview @ Ben and Jerrys.  I need a job, Casey's hot, Ally works there, and I like the t-shirts.  That's about it haha.  Hopefully I'll get a lifetime supply of Phishfood out of it as well?  It's better than working at Outback, which I would totally do if it weren't for my ever-existant fear that Matt is going to hate me again in a few weeks.  Just give it time, he'll come full circle again. 

Ahh so the summers almost ending and my tan's already faded :(   I owe it all to this crappy weather, which of course had to come around just in time for me to get home.  This weekend is Fire Island, maybe inviting Britt and Nicole?  So hopefully the weather will clear up and I can get some of my tan back ... I love the tan.  I make love to the tan.  I delight in the tan.